RLT is often described in three stages, although in practice we move back and forth between them.

• Stage 1: Understanding and reconnecting. We gather information to map the pattern between you, agree on what’s happening, and agree on what we’ll work on together. This usually takes one to two sessions. It can take a little longer if there’s a crisis, if one or both of you are neurodivergent, or if we decide an individual session with each of you is needed.
• Stage 2: Working with old adaptations. We look at the protective habits each of you learned early in life, tend to the hurt underneath them, and practise pausing and choosing a different response. The aim is for both of you to notice when you’re reacting and move to responding: in RLT language, moving from first consciousness to second consciousness. This often takes 4 to 10 sessions, depending on your situation and the practice you put in between sessions. To support the work, we often recommend Terry Real’s audio program ‘Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with Love’, or his books ‘The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work’ and ‘Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship’.
• Stage 3: Skills and ongoing practice. We build and practise the skills that keep change going in everyday life. RLT calls these the five winning strategies: advocating for yourself, speaking to make things better, listening to understand, responding with generosity, and cherishing what you have. Towards the end of this stage, sessions often move to monthly.

Every couple is different, so these timeframes are a guide, not a promise. Early on, we agree what we’re working on and for roughly how long, and we check in regularly to see whether it still fits.